Thursday, 25 February 2010

Sat 6th Feb 2010 MOAS +4

Mum and Tracey came to see me around 09:00. I'd had a really bad night and had hardly slept at all. The hallucinations had come back with a vengeance. In the early hours I remember seeing Mr Cecil sat just the other side of my curtains. He was sat watching me intently. When I looked again he was still there, this time in tears and with his head in his hands, everything was so quiet. A short time later Mum and Tracey arrived. He led them away from my bed to the central desk area. I couldn't hear what he was telling them but I did hear Tracey burst into tears. I could also hear the alarm beeping at the central desk indicating there was a problem at my bed.Nobody came. A little while later my Dad arrived which had meant he must have come up from Bristol. He joined Tracey and mum down at the desks. I could hear him shouting "come on son, be strong you can do do it" all the time I felt things were slowing down and I could hear the alarm on the machine sounding. I was convinced it was the end. I tried to control my breathing, wriggled my hands and feet occasionally but still the alarms were sounding.
A little later the family were all brought to my bed and sat behind me out of sight (as I was lead on my side) and were waiting for the inevitable to happen. I said my goodbyes
"tell my girls I love them"
"I'm sorry, I tried my hardest"
" I love you all"
"Tracey, meet me on the beach"
I even raised my hand. At this point I must have been actually shouting these things as I think I disturbed the lady in the cubicle next door. I'm not sure if it was real or not but I'm sure I heard her say "why is he saying these things?"
The next thing I was aware of was my nurse by my side looking at my machines and monitors. She asked me what the matter was and told me all was ok.
Hang on a minute. Was this really happening or was she just trying to make me comfortable in my final moments?
This was a hallucination, a cruel trick of the mind, I was fine. But it shook me to the core and I couldn't sleep again. It still haunts me now, it was so real, so very,very real.
When Tracey and mum arrived I told them about the hallucination, they could tell I was shaken and tried to convince me that it was all just a dream. I still wasn't entirely sure. I drifted off to sleep and had a good few hours where I was so physically tired. Whilst I was asleep I was again given more paracetamol very slowly.
I awoke at 14:00hrs and was convinced there were mice in the ceiling. My machine would make a "click,click,click" noise every so often and I was sure this was mice in the roof running over the air ducts. I also had mosquito's flying around me!
Mr Cecil then came around on his daily visit and again told us I was doing well. Today would be my last Chemo session and from tomorrow they could start to remove some of the tubes.
My test results came back from the day before and showed that I was all clear. Good news.
Tracey and Mum came back to see me around 18:00hrs and I was relaxed and in and out of sleep. I'd had yet another bed bath and was clean.
We were also told that I'd be moving to the ward that night. Tracey phoned mum who had gone back to the flat. She came back up only for us then to be told that I wouldn't be moving that night after all.
I was worried about sleeping because of the dreams and hallucinations and Mum and Tracey stayed with me until 23:30hrs to try and keep me calm.

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